Who knows whether or not ill be accepted to any Universities this year.  Ha, only God knows.  I’ve been praying more than i’ve ever did (as bad as it sounds).  I don’t know what I’m more afraid of, being rejected or being judged by my peers.  Honestly, I know there will be a handful of people judging, and why should I worry right?  It’s strange because when I’m with KCM or UC friends, I feel this pressure and need to be accepted by them according to my educational level and with my home friends, ya know, I just don’t care because I know they’re not judging.  I hate it.  Everyday I’m anxious because of what grades i’m going to get which determines if I get accepted or not.  Half of me wants to care because I’m with UC students half the time, and the other half I don’t care because I’m actually trying hard in school and just doesn’t seem to be working out in the end.  After everyone graduates and leaves back home, I probably won’t care at all.  It’s just in the moment you know?  I’m wrestling with the pros and cons of staying in community college.  What do I want to do?  Students don’t even know what they want to do in the future even after they graduate.  Students don’t get jobs right after college.  Not everyone who goes to Universities are successful.  Don’t you want to hurry and get a good job and help your parents? Blah, blah, blah. Don’t get me wrong, I do LOVE my UC/KCM friends.  Ha Ha… MEH.  

Being away from university students is definitely different.  When I’m alone, I could care less about what people think of me.  I think of what other things I could do besides trying to gain acceptance from people.  For example, break.  Winter breaks been good.  I finally learned to play a song on the guitar “Blowing in the Wind” by Bob Dylan.  I watched a feel good movie.  Didn’t spend so much money eating out.  Received and watched my sky diving video, which made me realize how many other fun things there are out in the world.  I’m using my moleskin journals and writing in my diary again.  I redid my bucket list.  Had my own facial even though im breaking out like mad.  Worked out for an hour.  Decorated Christmas cookies.  Babysat my brothers.  Spent the day with my Small Group girl.  ETC.  

It’s nice to be on the DL since i’m a 100% extrovert believe or not.  I want to continue to learn guitar songs.  Buy a moped and join a moped gang.  Meet people who have the balls to do anything and everything.  Have a Harry Potter/Lord of the Rings/Twilight/Star Wars/Friends Marathon.  Go thrifting.  Eat PHILS with my cousin on Thursday.  Hang out with my best friends in a few hours.  To laugh everyday.  Get another tattoo.  Explore.  Change my hair.  Get a full body massage or get my nails done.  Be a hippie.  Make homeless bags for the Holiday.  Go to Irvine this friday.  Write a song.  Finish my Bucket List (13 more to go)!! Visit museums.  Have a photo shoot.  Bake.  Decorate the house with Christmas lights.  Camp inside the apartment.  Make pizza from scratch.  Go to NRB by myself and sing like a psycho.  Ride the bus and go somewhere foreign.  Watch a movie in a different language.  Go to a drive-in movie.  I don’t want to live life trying to impress people.  Trying to gain approval.  I know I don’t have to but thats just life.  I don’t know…I’m starting to care less and less…

Where are you people who care but don’t care?  

The gang of friends that come over and just simply talk for hours.  Laugh for hours. 

Strangers who greet you like they’ve known you forever.

Weirdos who cut only their left fingernails to play guitar and keep their right fingernails long because they like long nails.  

Hippies who enjoy the little things in life. 

Spur of the momenters.  

Musicians who want to jam even though we suck.  We just like to call ourselves musicians.

Do you human beings exist?  .____.” 

I love life but I wish everyday had a dash of a free falling feeling you know?   

Something new.  Something exciting.  Something extra-UNordinary.